But I work hard too!

This is an "it's not fair" rant.....my guilty mind and need for self assurance will apologise in advance if I come off sounding like a spoiled brat who should just be happy for every I have and stop my sniveling already.

Our company is just kicking off its second annual 'biggest loser contest'. As with everything around here it is surrounded by whispers and controversy usually involving people who are to afraid to admit they need it. Harsh but true.


I am not over weight, not right now, I was for a time....kids, depression and other generic excuses made me that way....my light went on and I made changes. I work out hard. I exercise every chance I get, eat healthy-ish...more healthy now than 'ish'. I think positive (I try to think positive) and be a good example for my kids. I consciously think about what I am putting in my body and most recently cut waaaay down on my 'I was drinking red wine like kool-aid' habit to the point of not doing it at all to now being very sporadic. It was hard. All these changes were hard, but I WANTED them. I craved them.


I wanted to be healthy, have energy and feel great about my body, something I don't remember ever being...truly and fully. I am here. But its work, hard work baby, and not always fun but this is what I want and my choice.


The thing is, back to the at work contest, I watched people try last time this contest was on and only a very small few following through. This time around I see and hear people whispering and talking full of excuses and reasons not to join, they just haven't clicked yet. It makes me kind of mad...mad at them for not wanting it more, the good healthy feeling they could have. I don't say anything of course, it's not my place. It's not me they need to listen too its their body, heart and soul. They need to listen.


I can't join this contest, I don't have any weight to lose, I did it over time and work very hard to maintain this....but I am envious as all heck at the glory these people get.


Silly I know, the odd few talk and give each other advice of what to do next and how to move forward in their quest, I feel so happy for them and their new journey. I have tried in the past to join into the conversation and share what works for me and what I do but I get 'the look', its a look of " you have no idea what we are going through" " you don't understand" and I hear things like " 'yeah but its easier for you' or 'you don't have to work as hard' ....*sad face* but I do.


I wish I could join along in their contest, be a part of their quest for a new healthier life style. I wish I could be acknowledged for the hard work and daily choices I make. Feel that sense of accomplishment and change they are going through.


I watch shows like the Biggest loser and Heavy on TV and I tear up for these people, happy tears. So happy for them and their new beginning.


I want that. I want to join this contest because I think I could do well at it! I also want to delete that last line because it looks like an entry ticket into crazy town. I didn't delete it but I do now realize (thanks to this therapeutic rant) that I need to set a goal for my self, something above my comfort zone, something seemingly impossible so I can climb it and conquer it.....Just like my co-workers are doing.....I have to listen to me and pay attention to what I am making excuses not to do and do it.


OK, well...I guess my cheque is in the mail for this session.