Locked out

I took my bicycle to the gym tonight. I felt amazing riding in this extraordinary Fall weather. What a fantastic way to de-stress at the end of a rough day.

I got to the gym realizing that I had forgot my bike lock. Instead of turning myself around I braved up and asked the ladies at the desk if they could help me out, turns out they use a janitors room for just his purpose. Brilliant!

I had a great work out, did every thing I went to do...I felt the burn baby.
Heading back home I was sitting on top of the world. What a feeling turning the day around like this. Yay me. Listen to the crunch of the leaves under my tires. Look up at the Canadian Geese honking over head flying in perfect formation.

I couldn't wait to get home to eat.

Eating would have to wait.

We have a key pad on our back door we use to get in the house that seemed to be running out of batteries. It didn't work. I had no cell phone and my keys were in the house. No hidden key.
Terry was at Spanish practice on the other side of Edmonton. Daniel was in a TKD sparring class, Tayler was at a band practice. I decided to wait knowing Tayler had to stop by on her way to ringette practice and Daniel had to come sort his flyers for delivery the next day.
I waited....waited...waited.
The sun was going down, I was getting cold and hungry. I knew as soon as I left SOMEONE would show up.
One hour later Tayler comes running up the driveway in a hurry to get to ringette. Kudos to her for not busting a gut at her poor cold hungry mother and just letting me the heck in the house.

After getting in and warming up with some soup, I poured me a jumbo goblet of red wine, ignored the dishes and proceeded to sit.

Feeling good right now.
Life is funny that way. I like how it throws you little curve balls just when you need one.

Anxiety

I think I have got me some of that.
It is debilitating at times. Overwhelming mostly.
Heart racing. Blood pumping. Scary. Confusing. Frustrating. Stupid. Inconvenient. Intrusive.

In my head I tell myself I have some sort of social anxiety. I refuse to go look it up though. As soon as I do I will either see that indeed I do have it and instantly start feeling things I didn't know I was feeling and start unconsciously using the label as a crutch or what will come up when I google what I think I got is a website telling me I need to suck it up and get over it already, you don't have an issue or a problem it's all in your head now go put your energy towards feeding the hungry and sheltering the homeless.

I am not yet ready to see either one of those results pop up on the other end of my search for self diagnostic.

In the mean time I will keep talking to my Angel of love and happiness, my husband. ~but not to much so I don't send him running thinking he married a crazy~ Or I can always talk to my good buddy Michel ~but not to much because she tends to tell me 'like it is' and says things that are logical and truthful and makes me look at things in black and white instead of fuzzy purple~ It's not always easy but I'm dealing.
This helps.
I am finding outlets, the suggestion of a journal is one I may have to look at seriously.

Next I will be on here bitching about my writers cramp.

Are the Smurfs moving in?

Because there seems to be a new neighborhood popping up just outside our house.

Fall walk Photos

We went for a walk at Elk Island National Park this past Saturday with some like minded photo shooters.The day was so very very super ultra amazingly fantastic. It was a darn ok day.

The colours were so bright and vivid.
Michel let me play with her macro lens for a bit too...really cool, and now I want one!!
Here are just a few shots from that walk. I won't torture you this time with a boat load.

Looking back at these I see all I am really showing you is some extreme close up's not giving you the full effect of the beauty that beheld us that fall walk day. Your gonna just have to believe. It was pretty. And maybe sometimes it's the little things that get to stand up and get noticed.

Friday's Fitful Thoughts

~How does that one dark sock always sneak its way into the load of white towels and sheets when I am bleaching? I swear I checked.

~When you haven't heard from your kid after school as normal you accept that the day is beautiful and they are probably just enjoying the last bit of sunshiny warmth before winter hits, leave them alone and pretend there are no cell phones, give them a moment of down time.
Then you get home to a phone call/message that their school was in lock down for an incident (which was never stated) and that the RCMP take these matters very seriously....!!!!!!!!! Oh, you bet I will be requiring a call from now on. Technology is here now people, let's use it for what it is.

~I am so very comfortable at work on Fridays. Way more at ease and relaxed. I swear I get more work done (the first half of the day anyway, I fade fast after lunch) I wonder if I would be this happy and content at work if I wore jeans and a t-shirt everyday or would it just become the 'everyday' and not be special anymore? I might do a test one time....if I get brave enough.

~We now have an air cadet in the family. Daniel has let go of his flyer delivery technician post to pursue other interests. haha..Daniel has always said he wants to be a pilot one day, now that he is twelve he can join the air cadets which he is unbelievably excited about. That kid, like he doesn't have enough going on. He wants this so bad though, you can see a sparkle in his eyes that wasn't there before. He will fly one day guaranteed. I feel such a big lump of happiness for him chasing his passion.

~Tayler is getting her wisdom teeth removed next month. It will be nice to see her stop. Even if its not for a nice reason, am sure there will be pain, discomfort, blood and swelling cheeks...but she was told to rest and do nothing for 3 to 5 days afterwards. I can't remember the last time she had a day doing nothing. Between school, work, sports and B/F she is constantly on the move. I don't want her making this go go go schedule a life style she adopts permanently. She may miss seeing her double rainbow.

~Leela Gilday, if your out there reading this (and I am sure you check in daily.....LOL) I have an 8 year old son who is crazy over your music. He sings like he knows all the words (he doesn't and he doesn't stop to really listen to try to learn them which is making his older brother lose his mind, I like it) he always asks to put your CD in when we are in the truck, Sedze, and he sings loud and proud and happy. He knows we saw you sing in Banff one time and he asks a million questions, "what songs did she sing, did she talk too, was there lots of musicians there" it's just realy cute because this isn't normal behavior for him. I think he is just starting to get on his music groove and this is where he wants to begin. He says he wants to sing and dance all the time. Cute. You have a big little fan.

~Going on a Fall photo walk this sunday in Elk Island National Park. I am looking so forward to the quiet, peaceful beauty that Fall displays for us. It is my hope to be able to capture some of that beauty to bring back into our home.

Have a fantastic weekend everyone.
Take a few quiet moments to look around and see.

I am happy just to be nominated

I am not an actor by any means. Extreme stage fright overwhelms me just thinking about it. I believe my acting abilities come shining through in other ways. Real life role playing for example.
Today, as with a few other days in the past, I was a shining star in my performance in the reality series titled 'Calm-ish Mother sits in Passenger Seat while Teenage Daughter Drives'

It takes all of my Oscar style talent not to let show on my face what I am really going through "OH MY GOODNESS, WE'RE GONNA CRASH INTO SOMETHING!"
Not that she is a horrible driver, heck I wouldn't really know. She is new, she's a bit jerky and tight on the wheel. She swings way to wide and goes to darn slow for my taste but that is all normal just-learning kind of stuff.

I just don't trust her. That's crazy. I should trust her. But I don't . Not yet. I'm too scared right now.

I try to remain calm so as not to startle her and cause any erratic type behavior. I try not to let show my foot pushing so hard into the floor board my muscles are screaming at me to stop. I try, oh but I try, to keep a smooth even tone as I give her directions. Can she see my tongue bleeding? I bite on it so hard sometimes I fear in may fall into my lap which would of course ensue into mass screams and extreme hazardous driving.

I love that daughter of mine. I love her with all my shivering-in-fear heart and I want her to do well, to be safe.
But how can I trust her, please tell me how, when she can't ever remember to put her dishes away? Will she forget to shoulder check? And how she misses her bus to school. Will she hesitate to long at a stop sign and cause an accident? Food is spilled all over the counter and not even attempted at wiping it up. She doesn't scrape her windows enough one day and misses seeing that child step off the curb. She can not seem to keep her bedroom floor free of debris. She reaches down to grab that old pop can that rolled under her gas pedal.

I could go on, believe me I could. My mind is full of this stuff. It's in my job description I think.

I will accept my prize gracefully and keep my lecture..er...I mean speech short when I win.
It will start off something like this

"I am a Stong Confident Mother...........

Problem*

We have a new tread mill, it's about two months old now.
We found a great spot in our basement for it. Right in front of the t.v. in the office. It's perfect really, it is not out in the middle of the living room for every one to throw blankets or jackets over. No hanging your hat on this baby.

I was so excited getting this tread mill promising I would use it every chance I got...and I meant that! I really did/do. I was using it like crazy, for an hour at a time with out thought. I love those shows where they help people fix up their houses to sell or the ones where they help people realize their debt problems and show them the light. Fantastic.

Anyway. My problem* is this. It is now September. ALL THE NEW SHOWS ARE STARTING!!.
So what's the big effing deal you ask?
The only way I can watch all the shows that I have 'allowed' myself to waste time watching (seriously, there are way to many so I had to sacrifice some) is to PVR them. The big effing deal with that is the only room we have a PVR is not the one with the tread mill!
Oh what's a girl to do?!!

So here I am, I have some time for me. What do I do? Do I try to catch up on some of my precious recorded episodes? Or, do I hop on the tread mill for a bit of sweat-it-out/home decorating take care of me time?
Divide the time? no way.
It's all or nothing.

Dang it!
I think I will spend the rest of my day here at work trying to solve this desperate situation I am in.


*I realize this is not a REAL problem. As a matter of fact I wish this problem on all the starving, cold homeless people in the whole world. I also hope for them to be able to chow down on a yummy home cooked, warm meal in front of the t.v. on the couch or while on the tread mill even.

I Am a Strong Confident Woman

At least that what I have to keep telling myself.

My hope is that it will kick in and become real.

The little voice inside me says it wants too.
I need that voice to be louder. Stronger. More confident.

I need to get over it.

I am a strong confident woman.

Banff: And oh how we hiked

Hi!! We are back from another mountain weekend. We take every opportunity to run away to the mountains. we're pretty darn blessed, not gonna deny it. (ok,we've been back for a couple of days)

We took off Friday on our way to Bliss ville (a.k.a. Banff/Canmore) driving our first adventure in Terry's 110 Land rover Defender.~picture time~

We drove in this loud smelly truck (sorry Bear, but you know it's a bit smelly) in some kind of surprising comfort. How very unexpected!
We had some company though...a mascot!
Cute bobble head bear...oh, and his dash toy too!

So we stopped in Canmore before hitting Banff for some pre weekend hiking,hiking. We strolled up up up to Grassy Lakes to see the water falls:
We also checked out some fellow hikers and their dog in a back pack!?
Weird!

I then stood on a bench with thoughts of my good friend Michel.
(although I realize it's not Monday)
We finally made it to the beautiful, mesmerizing lake on top.

*a whole week end and most of our pictures are from the first day*

Check out this guy I found up by the climbing rocks.
We had a great hike that Friday but we did head off to Banff pretty quick to get to our hotel. We just love it here. We each get a perma grin for our whole stay, as a bonus offer I assume.

The next day we headed off to lake Louise where we we hiked up to Plain of Six Glaciers Tea House.

It was so hard at the end but worth the lack of breath to enjoy the tea and home made soup after 2115 feet in just 2 kms. Phew. But noooo, we weren't done yet! "Let's go check out the Lake Agnes Tea House now" he says. Well, since I had got my breath back by then and I knew we had to head 1 km back down to hit the trail, I was in.

Inukshuk moment.

Well, we hiked. It rained. Then it didn't. Then we were sweaty. Then it rained. Then it didn't. Then we were sweaty. repeat.

Words that later haunt me in a leg pained dreams filled with hurt "Hey" Terry says almost too cheery " I have always wanted to go check out Big Bee Hive but no one has ever wanted to go with me. Want to check it out?"
Needless to say, I horked my first loogy that day...no pictures please. We went straight up what turned out to be the back side of Big Beehive. What an amazing sight it was but we couldn't breath a lot so I took no photos on the way up.

We found a friend on top who liked my camera bag:

And this relaxing view point of where we once started mere hours before:

Ok well, that is all there is for pictures from our weekend even though there was another day and a half of fun in Banff.

We hiked 7 hours total that day and could barely manage to take the steps up into the truck when we finally returned to it. We ended up at the Keg having a DANG fantastic dinner thanks to Ma and Pa Gamble for a 1st anniversary gift. So so very good food. We basically just stared at each other the whole time. ~That's love baby~

We walked the tourist filled streets of Banff and the equally tourist filled streets of Canmore where we lunched and hiked just a wee bit more, only this time through the town's trails lined with houses of our dreams.

Nice of you to stick around to the end.

That's it. All done. Back to reality...(which happens to be not too shabby)

Please excuse me...

...while I jump into my time machine and scootch on back to last night before I go to bed.

I have to go back and put a sticky note on my closet door as a reminder to my future self to button up my pants before I leave the house for work.

Have some things on my mind maybe? I think so.

Seriously, it's a darn good thing for belts because my shirt is not long enough today to fully cover my 'clothing malfunction'.

I only noticed when I went to the washroom a couple of hours into my work day. Did anyone else notice?! Sweet baby Jesus I hope not.

I have on a pair of casual dress pants with a wide waist band that includes two inner buttons then three hooks...none of them were done up. I obviously went straight for the belt but somehow managed to remember to do up the zipper.

Thank goodness I am heading to Banff a.k.a. my happy place, with Terry tomorrow.

Corn Maze Picture Time

We enjoyed a rare slow paced, no work, relaxing family day at the corn maze yesterday minus one family member. I guess we are just going to have to get used to missing one or two more and more often.

We had a fun day together anyway. See below for some of our corny (hee hee) antics.

Random People on our wagon ride. :o)

My boys striking a pose.


Finding our way through the maze.

The corn maze is not the corn we smother in butter and devour, this corn is used for feed.




Cat and mouse hay bails.


Too cute.


In the 'not-so-haunted' haunted house.





Poor Nathan was just starting a bad cold that day.


Nathan grabbed this picture of Terry and Daniel playing a giant game of chess while I waited in the food line up for 45 minutes...for real.


With our tummies finally full we continued on to the corn canon.

The target, it's a pumpkin.

Nathan's turn.

aaannnddd fire!

Next they got to pan for...er..marbles. Yup, and other hidden 'gems' in the sand. Still fun.

And that concludes our corn maze adventures,we plan to head back in Oct. for the pumpkin festival as well we can go at night and try to make our way through the maze in the dark with flash lights. Not to sure I am up for that.

3 days

3 wonderful days off dangle in front of us like a tasty fresh carrot....mere minutes to go...is it possible the clocks ticking has slowed?

We will start this blissful break away from the grind with a nice relaxing back yard bon fire. Maybe roast a marshmallow or two, throw back a beer.
We have renos waiting for us and a 5 acre corn maze calling our names, I think we will answer that call with a "we'll be right there" and go get a little corny.

3 days....ahhhhhhh

I may just have some pictures to share after wards....yaaay long weekend.

What's in a name?

This subject is deeper than I have the energy for today (ok, most days) today I just wanted to say how surprised I am at how excruciatingly long it's taking for my new last name to be fully integrated in my life.

I have been through this name change thing before, twice actually, but I wasn't involved in first one.

It has been over a year since I took the name of my one true love ~*heart aflutter*~ and stuck it next to mine permanently, but getting rid of that old clunker is harder than I thought it would be.
Apparently I am a lot more involved in my life in my (late) 30's than I was in my (early) 20's.
Every time I turn around the shadow of the *X's name appears next to mine. With quick reflex I attempt to make right what was once so wrong only to find that past records have a lot of sticky to them and are not so easily manipulated....

I am on a mission, I will remove that old band-aid even if it has to be a slow, hairs pulling out with it process, it's coming off.

*I am aware that my children have the last name that I am so desperate to shed...I am ok with that of course. That is their name....always will be. This is about me, not them.